Back in the Groove

I've been trying to get back into the "healthy" groove for several weeks now, but nothing was working. I haven't been walking in literally months, and fast food, pizza and other easy, brainless foods have been going into my mouth far too often.

I've tried. The thought of going out West this summer at a too-high weight isn't appealing. Neither is that fact that a lot of my clothes are rather too small now.  So I've tried, but without a lot of success. I've been working a lot more hours lately, and although that's great for the paycheck, it's not so great for the home life.

Sometimes, you can't force yourself back into the groove. Sometimes, you have to fall into it.  And that's what I just did Tuesday afternoon. Literally.  I was walking into a store and tripped and fell, hard. I stumbled a bit before I fell, and actually thought I might be able to pull it out before I hit the ground, but no such luck. I actually had time to realize that the last time this happened, I was at about the same weight I am now. 

Apparently, that was the realization that woke me up. I realized that my excess weight was pulling me off balance. I was helped up by a nice store manager, who also showed me where to find what I was looking for (za'tar, for the record).  When I got home, I gingerly made myself dinner of fish over a bulgur wheat/tomato/ green bean/green onion salad. It was tasty, and when I realized I'd made too much bulgur, I immediately put the leftovers in the refrigerator instead of just eating all of it.

My eating isn't "perfectly" healthy. In the past, I've been very successful at losing weight, but I've been rather obsessive about exactly what I'm eating. I've watched very closely my calories, my carbs, my protein, etc. The thing is, I know how to eat healthfully. My problem is that I tend to have an all or nothing mindset. I'm either totally 100% in the groove or I'm not.

I'm trying to change that now. I'm trying to think, "what can I eat that's tasty and well balanced?"  I have to admit, it's easier for me to be healthier in the summer. I like to walk when it's between 60 and 70 degrees, which it usually is early in the morning. I like to eat things like main dish salads. I like all the fresh produce that's available.

So I feel pretty encouraged that I can do this balanced thing, and keep myself from falling into any more sidewalk grooves.

Facing the Music

I haven't weighed in for ten days. I almost didn't weigh in this morning, but I knew I needed to see what the damage was. I'm up four pounds, which when you consider how I've been eating during those ten days, isn't bad at all.

The biggest problem has been in the evenings. I'll start out great during the day, but then keep on eating after dinner. There's a reason I made myself a rule that I won't eat past 6PM. Last night, I did manage to talk myself out of making popcorn to watch during a movie, which I see as a sign of a better mindset.

I still have a ton of stuff looming over me, but I'm trying to get on top of it this week. It's cold again, so I don't know how much outdoor exercise I'll be getting, but I'll make sure to get on the Wii tonight, since I don't have a class to teach.

I do feel more energized and empowered, and I'm determined to kick this. I'm not going to make a timed goal for how much I want to lose, but I'm going to shoot for at least 1% of my weight each week until I break 200.

Week 10

Down 3.6 this week, to 213.8. That's officially overweight, yay!

I had my follow up doctor's visit today. Predictably, the lumpy gland is still lumpy, so she wants a CAT scan. She reassured me that it was just a precaution, which I understand. It's just a pain to schedule. She was thrilled with my blood pressure, which was 110 over 66.  I joked that Jeff would tell me to eat something salty now, and she got seriously alarmed. "What? No! Why would you do that?  This is great where it is!" I reassured her that it was just a running joke with us. Jeff cracked up when I told him about it.

Plan for this week is to step up the walking--the 5K is this Sunday, and assuming I can scrounge up the necessary $30, I'm in. But I've only been walking about half an hour at a time, and this will take at least twice that. The friend that I'm going with usually walks about an hour a day, and I don't want to slow her down.

Week 9

Up a pound and a half this week--no surprise, since I partook in a fabulous fish fry yesterday. The happier news is that I've flirted with "Overweight" instead of "Obese" three times last week. I'm hoping it will stick around this week.

I'm also hoping for more exercise this coming week. I did 30 minutes of Free Step on the Wii today, and then got a half hour walk around the neighborhood with Jeff. The weather is supposed to be moderate this week, and snow isn't forecast for several days, so I'm going to try getting out walking more frequently. It was 34 degrees when we went today, so any temp above freezing is obviously doable for me.

Looking forward to a better result next week!

Week 8

Ha. So there. Down to 215.8, which is over five pounds down from last week, and half a pound less than my previous lowest. I stayed on track this week, even yesterday when we had ribs for Jeff's birthday dinner. I did half an hour of Wii Free Step every day except Friday, when there was no time in the day.

I'm going to keep with this plan for another week. I don't expect a big loss this week, because I don't have a big gain to bounce back from. Yeah, I'm OK with that.

Challenges for this week: I'm working less (only one day), but Sarah's chosen Chinese food as her birthday dinner. Instead of me picking my own entree, I'm going to have a little of whatever everyone else gets (there's always plenty), and some wonton soup. I think I'll make some brown rice to go on the side instead of the plain white rice the restaurant provides. I might even have a potsticker, depending on how the day has gone.

For exercise, I'm going to keep doing my daily half hour of Free Step. For recipes, I want to try recipes for salmon and meringues (no, not together).

The Doc

I finally had my doctor's appointment today. Weigh in was 220. Not where I wanted to be, but it's where I am. Doc is happy with my progress, wanted to know how I was doing it, if it was healthy. I assured her that I was counting calories, etc.

The only issue was that one of the glands under my chin was a little swollen. I can't specifically remember being sick recently, so she wants to see me back in two and a half weeks to check it again. If it's still swollen, she's going to send me to an ENT to check it out.

"What would they do?" "Probably a CAT scan or a biopsy." Urrrrrrrrrrrrgh. Anyone who knows me knows that more doctor visits is the absolute last thing I want. Yes, we need to be sure everything is OK. But right now my main goal is to boost my immune system as much as I can.

Off the top of my head, that means:

• elderberry syrup
• chicken broth (got some brewing in the crockpot right now)
• garlic
• ginger
• my standard vitamins 

We'll see how it goes. 

Digging Down

I didn't weigh in all last week. I figured, "I'm doing this for health, and I know how to be healthy, so I'm going to do the right thing. The number on the scale isn't the point. And I'm trying to slow down my rate anyway." I got on the scale Saturday, expecting at least a pound or two down, because I really did stay on track last week. When I saw that I was down not even half a pound, I was disappointed.

Yes, I know. The number on the scale isn't the point. Uh huh. Still disappointed. I ended up eating way too much that day, all day long. I actually felt physically ill. Who does that to themselves?  I don't get it.

So Sunday I was back up at 221. Not surprising. But still frustrating. This is about the same point I've gotten to before, and then lost my drive. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't like being that person who eats mindlessly.

So this morning, I'm digging down and seeing what I can do. I'm rededicating myself. I realized that all this talk about a gym and a treadmill and walking outside and how I can't do it is really dumb, because I have this thing called a Wii. That's right, the thing I used all last spring before I could start walking. The thing that may not be the best, but is a whole lot better than the alternative, which is nothing.

Plan for this week:  stay on track with the eating, of course, but also do half an hour of Free Step on the Wii every day. I've already done it today, and although it wasn't a big hard workout, it was a reminder of being mindful. Mindfulness and dedication are what I've been lacking recently, so that's where I'm going to focus.

365 Days

This morning I weighed 218.7 pounds.  That is 37% less than I weighed this day last year. Tonight, I am celebrating my one year anniversary of better living with a Coney Dog and french fries.

Part of me thinks, "You can't have a Coney!  You just binged yesterday!  You weigh the exact same you did a month ago!  You haven't earned that Coney!"

Shut up, voice. I have made many good decisions this year. I've made plenty of bad ones, too. This is a celebration of time spent, not a number on the scale. Time spent is what I really need, in fact. In the past, I've never been able to sustain loss.  I need to remember to keep working, keep moving forward.

Oh and the fact that I'm having a Coney and half an order of fries is miles ahead of the patty melt and full order that I would have gotten last year. It fits in my calorie goal for the day, and I'm going to enjoy every bite. So there.

January Review

At my official weigh in this morning (not tomorrow, duh), I'm down 2.9 pounds since the 1st. Since I had a huge upswing in the middle of the month, coming out down almost three pounds isn't bad. But it is a lot less than in previous months, which leads me to think more about this whole "slowing down" business.

I tend to be an "all or nothing" kind of gal. When it comes to weight loss, in the past I've either been "Full Speed Ahead" or "Full Reverse." Yes, the FSA path can include little splurges, but even if I get off track, I get back on again. The FR path, however, is just that. Frequent binges, and just not caring about what I'm eating. It's the not caring part that really characterizes FR.

What I need to find is the "Mindfully Moderate" path. This is the path that lets me consistently eat 1500 calories a day without going crazy over or under. The MM path is ok with losing only half a pound a week, which is kind of counter to where I've been for the past year.

For the past year, I've been so far in the groove, that I can only think about what maintenance will mean in a very abstract way. For me, it's been either losing or gaining. There is no in between. The MM path, the in between, is totally uncharted territory for me. I'm going to need  a machete to hack my way through all this. Wish me luck!

Another Option

I've slowly realized that there is another option besides Planet Fitness or the fitness room at the community center. We could get a treadmill. Treadmills can be gotten for about $100 off Craigslist, but it would be available any time, and any of us could use it (the kids get a big kick out of using Grammy's treadmill when they're up there).

We had a treadmill before, but I hadn't used it in so long, we gave it away. If we were to get another one, I'd have to get rid of a lot of stuff in the bedroom--I put a hope chest in that same area, and it would have to go back down to the basement. But I also think we could get rid of one of our dressers (we mostly use the closet, and some stuff could go in bins under the bed), so that would free up some room.

When I mentioned all this to Jeff last night, he said, "I said that! Like, twice!" Oops. Sorry, honey.

So we'd have less junk in our room, I could exercise whenever I want, the whole family could use it, and the price would be reasonable.

Excuse me, I have to go buy trash bags in bulk.

Week 4

I'm happy to report that last week's six pound gain is gone. I really didn't expect to lose it that quickly, but no complaints! I've been weighing every day again. I'd like to get to the point where I only weigh once a week, but apparently I still need that daily accountability, at least for a while. I have just over three more pounds to lose to get to "overweight."

I had set my calories back down to 1300 this week, to keep a tight rein on things. I'm bumping back up to 1350 this week. An extra 50 calories per day isn't a huge amount in the grand scheme of things, but it does give me some more wiggle room.

Wiggle room is just what I need today. We're having dinner with Jeff's family, and although his mom cooks good stuff, I can't exactly weigh my portions the way I do at home. Actually, it's a good exercise in estimating and making good choices without the crutch of the food scale.

Still no exercise this week. I've gotten to the point where I sincerely don't know what I'm going to do about that issue.

Aftermath

Once again, all those good plans were for naught. I ate without thought or caring on both Friday and Saturday. Saturday night, I even felt like I might throw up for a brief moment and wondered why I was doing this to myself. Not a pleasant thought or feeling.

But Sunday was better. I had one biscotti with coffee at our church potluck breakfast service (one of the other members said, "We should do this every year, no matter what day Christmas falls on" and I agree) and the rest of the day was pretty good. It was kind of a relief to be eating better again. I certainly felt better.

BUT--have I gotten back on the scale yet?  No.  And I don't plan to. I plan to keep working my plan to the best of my ability and ignore the scale until January 1st. Then, like so many other people, I get a fresh start. Next Sunday will be Week 1 and I'll start over from there, no matter what that number is. Am I hoping it's a "good" number?  Yes, of course. But whether it is or it isn't, it's where I'll be starting.

Week 46

Lost a little over a pound this week; that's more than half of last week's gain gone. It's still about a pound and a half over my lowest. 

Yeah, I know it'll come off eventually. In a weird way, it's good for my motivation. It'll hopefully keep me mindful over the weekend.

Honestly though, I don't know if it will or not. When I'm confronted with yummy food, I don't generally do too well.. Appetizers seem to be the worst for me--vast arrays of food tempt me to constantly pick at it until I've had far too much. Sitting at the table, it seems to be easier for me to portion things. At Thanksgiving, it was the cheese ball that was the most irresistible.

The answer would seem to be to find something else to do. Find another place to sit that isn't right in front of the nuts and chips and cheese and crackers and spinach dip. Yeah--at the holidays, it seems like the only place that fits that description is the bathroom. 

So we'll see how it goes. Today is a busy day, as is tomorrow, as is the rest of the weekend. I'll check back in with a report on Monday.

That Helped

So it's been a rough week. I'm doing my best with my plans, but I'm not really feeling it. I'm surrounded by cookies, and my mom just sent us a tin of Swiss Colony popcorn. I told Sarah that she could have the White Chocolate bag, I'd take the Butter Toffee bag, Lauren could have the Cheddar bag, and when Dad got home, we'd tell him it came empty.

It's a joke, but also a sincere temptation. I really could eat that whole bag.  Of course, it would be over 1000 calories and 72 grams of fat. The Pecan Tassies that are my signature Christmas cookie are 100 calories each. In past years, I would eat three at a shot.  Today, I ate one after lunch, very slowly, and I savored every bite. 

Part of me hates this. Hates mindfulness, and would much rather just eat without thinking and without consequences.  Sadly, the former is possible but the latter is not.

This afternoon, I took a risk. I had planned to try my dress on again tomorrow, but I decided to give it a go today. This had potential to backfire in a big way. My weight is up a little right now, and if I couldn't get it zipped, I knew I would be seriously bummed.

When it did zip, I was happy but also relieved.  Don't get me wrong--it was tight, and I had no intention of even trying to sit down in it.  But it zipped.

The zipper made it easier to ignore the Fail Voice. That's the voice that gleefully reminds me that I've lost essentially no weight this month, and am nowhere near getting below that magic 225 where I stalled last time. That's the voice that wonders why I don't just eat what I want for this ONE WEEK and get back on board next Monday,  I could totally do that, no problem. And if I gained a few pounds or even ten, so what?  It'll just come back off again once I'm working it.

Except that I've already lost it once. I don't want to have to lose it again and again. And again. A fluctuation of a couple pounds is reasonable, but that's it. I'm drawing a line in the sand.  I'm going to keep working my plan, even if my results aren't optimal yet. Health is the goal here--losing weight is the happy side effect.

Follow Up

It's not the most I've ever gained. Not quite two pounds, which I know will come back off again in time.

But I have to admit, it's a little disheartening. Not surprising--I knew this would be the result in the middle of the binge. But I still have that tendency to think of this in a linear way, and this feels like a step back. It messes with my "schedule." Really, though, I should not be thinking in those terms at all, so having it messed with is not a totally bad thing. Sometimes, I will overeat. But ONLY sometimes. Most of the time--the vast majority of the time--I will make healthy choices. And that will get me where I need to go, and keep me there.

Week 45

I did not weigh in this morning. I think this is the first Thursday I've missed. I can blame it on Lauren being on the Wii early this morning (she woke up super early), or on my getting breakfast before I remembered to weigh, but really, I just didn't want to.

I've had a couple binge days this week, and although I followed one with a loss the next day, I know I'm up this morning.  I'm trying to decide if I'll just let this whole week go and not weigh in until next Thursday, but I know that isn't a good idea. Eventually, I'll have to start weighing in less frequently, but right now especially, I need the accountability.

Tomorrow morning, before breakfast, I'll weigh in and record the damage, no matter how bad it is.

Week 44

Well, this is it--the deadline I set to get back to the weight I think I was at when I got married. So did I make it? 

I'm half a pound over.  That is success, as far as I'm concerned. I haven't tried my dress on recently--I've decided to wait until my actual anniversary for that, but I believe it'll zip easily.  Thanks for all the encouragement from everyone--it really does make a big difference!

For this week, I lost 1.18%.  Four week floating average is 1.42%.

It's time for a new goal.  I go back to see my doc in early February, and I'd really like to be in the "Overweight" BMI category by then.  That's 11 pounds and 8 weeks away. Normally, I'd be very confident about that time frame.  But Christmas will be here soon. It took a week to rebound from Thanksgiving, and that was just one day. I want to give myself a little wiggle room.

Also, I'm going to start slowly increasing my calories in January. When I eventually get to maintenance, I'll be eating more. I'd like to work to that slowly and kind of coast into it. 

I still haven't started the C25K yet.  I have a little more time today, so I'm hoping to figure out how to do the first level without the podcast or stopwatch or whatever. I don't want to have to count seconds in my head, but that's all I can think of so far.

Week 43

Down .17% this week.  Four week floating average of 1.12% down.

That's a reasonable loss, considering that I came off Thanksgiving week, and two large losses previous weeks. I'm satisfied.  I have 3.2 pounds left to get to my original goal by next week. That's not impossible, but it's highly unlikely, and I'm not going to worry about getting there in the next seven days.

I'd like to start the Couch to 5K program soon, but don't want to kick out the $75 for the community center this week (yes, that's what I'm choosing instead of Planet Fitness). I might download the podcast for my iPod and run around the gym for half an hour instead for the first week or two. I won't know exactly how far I've gone, but that's not something to worry about yet. I'm going to work more on getting to the point where I can run for more than 30 seconds at a time first.

After a fairly laid back week, things are ramping up again. I'm working today and tomorrow afternoon & evening, and Sarah has to be at church by 6:30 Saturday morning. That's also the day of the craft show and bell ringing for the Salvation Army. I've done very little prep for Christmas in terms of shopping, baking or sewing, and none of the decorations are up yet.

Happily, I've found a sucker friend that is willing to do the C25K program with me, so that will help with motivation. I will start by Monday at the absolute latest.

Week 57

0% loss this week, which is unsurprising but still confusing.

It's unsurprising because I've been weighing in all week, and watching the numbers bump up or down a little bit, but not moving the way I would expect. So this is actually not bad, considering I was up a pound and a half yesterday.

It's confusing because I've been "in the groove" all week. I've been eating right for the most part, staying under my calorie goal, drinking water, exercising. Normally, I would expect to see at least some loss. (this is one of the reasons I do get on the scale every day--if I saw that number today with no warning, I would have thought the stinkin' thing was broken)

But I have to take into account that enormous loss last week, and that this might just be my body's way of keeping balance. I'm at .56% average loss over the past four weeks.

So I'm going to keep on doing what I need to do. I might not get a walk in today, but I'm going to try. I don't know how my food is going to go, either.  I didn't eat breakfast until almost 11AM, which doesn't leave a lot of time to eat lunch or make dinner before I have to run out again.

Week 39

2.77% loss this week. That brings my four week floating average to 0.95%.

Yay, right?  Big loss, I'm happy, woo hoo. So why do I feel weird? (Because I am weird.) When I have a small loss or a gain, it gives me new determination to stay on track. When I have a big loss, I feel almost guilty. "I'm losing too fast!"

There certainly is some drive to "get there" as quickly as possible. I'm always thinking ahead, to what my weight could be in another month or two if I stay on track. Balance that with the "keep it healthy" mentality. I think for the most part I do keep it healthy. I try to eat balanced meals and get reasonable exercise.

But it's that "too fast, better slow down" idea that sometimes sabotages me. I'm more likely to end up going overboard. I think I'm going too fast, so I balance it by eating more, or eating stuff I otherwise wouldn't.. Then I slow down or gain for a few weeks. Then I get motivated again and lose big. And again and again and again.

I'm going to stay moderate again this week. We're having a birthday dinner at my in-law's this weekend. I have no idea what kind of food we'll have, so I'll just have to do my best with it. My mother-in-law knows how hard I'm working to be healthier, so she's very supportive.

I guess I'm going to just keep doing what I'm doing. Staying mindful & making good choices.

#3 Thing I'm Thankful For: My great family (especially daughter #1 who did most of the work) who cleaned the kitchen again last night!