2011

In 2011, I

• got yelled at and threatened with blood pressure meds by my doctor in February
• got an iPod for Mother's Day
• went to Florida in May
• broke my arm in August
• walked five miles in one day in September
• saw Sting perform at the Fox Theater in November
• dealt with car issues, family issues, and personal issues all stinkin' year
• lost 128.3 pounds, which is 36.75% of my original body weight
• lost 11 inches off my hips, 10.5 inches off my waist, and 11.5 inches off my bust
• lost control several times, but wrestled it back into my corner every time

I don't know specifically what 2012 will bring. I know it will bring more stress, because that's the way life is. But I also know that I will have to deal with that, because letting it run roughshod over me doesn't really help. 

What Was I Thinking?

For Christmas, I asked for and received Just Dance 3 and Zumba for the Wii.  I've heard so much about how fun they are, and I figured it would be better than just stepping on and off the balance board in Free Step.

The girls were really excited for the Just Dance--they've played it at their friend's house, so they know a lot of the moves already. Lauren was demonstrating it for me last night, and I suddenly remembered:  I am totally uncoordinated.

I was watching her jump around, thinking, "Crap. I am never going to be able to do that!" But I got up and did the "Crazy Thing Called Love" routine. You know the best part of trying to do one of these routines?  You feel like a total idiot.

Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking. I never like aerobics in college, either. But I do know that if I suck it up and do them more frequently, it'll get easier and I might even remember what rhythm is. Yeah, probably not.

Stuffed Pepper Soup

One of my favorite recipe sites is Gina's SkinnyTaste. She posts a new recipe pretty much every day, and they usually look delicious. I was browsing there the other day, specifically looking for something new to make. I decided to give Stuffed Pepper Soup a try.

But I didn't want to tell everyone what I was making. Jeff in particular has bad stuffed pepper memories from the 70's--that and goulash are the two foods he & his brother joke about the most. But the recipe has everything we like: peppers, tomatoes, ground beef, rice. In fact, as I was making it, I realized that it looks a lot like chili without the beans.  We eat our chili over rice, so the similarity is even greater. I used a more peppers than the original recipe called for, and no green--just red, yellow & orange.

The girls gave it grades of A- and B, and agreed that I could make it again. Jeff liked it, especially after I sprinkled some "Mexican" cheese over the top of his. I loved it and was glad I allotted two bowls for myself. I'm looking forward to leftovers for lunches the rest of the week.

Shopping

I got a few Macy's gift cards for Christmas, woo hoo!  I've decided to use them as my motivation. I have plenty of clothes to get me through the winter, but not much for spring or summer. It will take me a while to get my BMI from Obese to Overweight, so the timing should be just right. I will not go shopping until I get to that point.

We also got a big Amazon gift card from my mom. I dithered around for quite a while, trying to decide if I wanted earrings with my share of it, or an earring stand/organizer, or books or music or  . . . yeah, you get it.

I've decided that I want to broaden my cooking horizons a bit, so I'm getting a couple cookbooks.
Cook This Not That 350 Calorie Meals
Cook This Not That Kitchen Survival Guide
I've checked both of these out of the library, and really like the way they're set up and lots of the recipes look good. I also saw that there's a 2012 edition out, but I'm not sure that it isn't more of a restaurant guide than a cookbook, so I'll give it a trial run via the library as well before I buy.

Look for more cooking posts in the coming months!

Song I can't get out of my head:  Brighter Than the Sun

Aftermath

Once again, all those good plans were for naught. I ate without thought or caring on both Friday and Saturday. Saturday night, I even felt like I might throw up for a brief moment and wondered why I was doing this to myself. Not a pleasant thought or feeling.

But Sunday was better. I had one biscotti with coffee at our church potluck breakfast service (one of the other members said, "We should do this every year, no matter what day Christmas falls on" and I agree) and the rest of the day was pretty good. It was kind of a relief to be eating better again. I certainly felt better.

BUT--have I gotten back on the scale yet?  No.  And I don't plan to. I plan to keep working my plan to the best of my ability and ignore the scale until January 1st. Then, like so many other people, I get a fresh start. Next Sunday will be Week 1 and I'll start over from there, no matter what that number is. Am I hoping it's a "good" number?  Yes, of course. But whether it is or it isn't, it's where I'll be starting.

Week 46

Lost a little over a pound this week; that's more than half of last week's gain gone. It's still about a pound and a half over my lowest. 

Yeah, I know it'll come off eventually. In a weird way, it's good for my motivation. It'll hopefully keep me mindful over the weekend.

Honestly though, I don't know if it will or not. When I'm confronted with yummy food, I don't generally do too well.. Appetizers seem to be the worst for me--vast arrays of food tempt me to constantly pick at it until I've had far too much. Sitting at the table, it seems to be easier for me to portion things. At Thanksgiving, it was the cheese ball that was the most irresistible.

The answer would seem to be to find something else to do. Find another place to sit that isn't right in front of the nuts and chips and cheese and crackers and spinach dip. Yeah--at the holidays, it seems like the only place that fits that description is the bathroom. 

So we'll see how it goes. Today is a busy day, as is tomorrow, as is the rest of the weekend. I'll check back in with a report on Monday.

Then and Now

This is a picture from December of 2009.  As we do most years, the family took a turn ringing the bell for the Salvation Army. We sign up through church, so it's easy. We also did it last year, but no one got a picture. Jeff & the girls did it this year, but I went over to visit my Dad at the last minute, so no family pic there this year. I don't know how much I weighed in this picture, but I'm guessing it was pretty close to my heaviest.

Although this isn't taken during bell ringing for contrast, it is a current family picture, and one I like very much.

I should print both of these and keep them on my refrigerator.

That Helped

So it's been a rough week. I'm doing my best with my plans, but I'm not really feeling it. I'm surrounded by cookies, and my mom just sent us a tin of Swiss Colony popcorn. I told Sarah that she could have the White Chocolate bag, I'd take the Butter Toffee bag, Lauren could have the Cheddar bag, and when Dad got home, we'd tell him it came empty.

It's a joke, but also a sincere temptation. I really could eat that whole bag.  Of course, it would be over 1000 calories and 72 grams of fat. The Pecan Tassies that are my signature Christmas cookie are 100 calories each. In past years, I would eat three at a shot.  Today, I ate one after lunch, very slowly, and I savored every bite. 

Part of me hates this. Hates mindfulness, and would much rather just eat without thinking and without consequences.  Sadly, the former is possible but the latter is not.

This afternoon, I took a risk. I had planned to try my dress on again tomorrow, but I decided to give it a go today. This had potential to backfire in a big way. My weight is up a little right now, and if I couldn't get it zipped, I knew I would be seriously bummed.

When it did zip, I was happy but also relieved.  Don't get me wrong--it was tight, and I had no intention of even trying to sit down in it.  But it zipped.

The zipper made it easier to ignore the Fail Voice. That's the voice that gleefully reminds me that I've lost essentially no weight this month, and am nowhere near getting below that magic 225 where I stalled last time. That's the voice that wonders why I don't just eat what I want for this ONE WEEK and get back on board next Monday,  I could totally do that, no problem. And if I gained a few pounds or even ten, so what?  It'll just come back off again once I'm working it.

Except that I've already lost it once. I don't want to have to lose it again and again. And again. A fluctuation of a couple pounds is reasonable, but that's it. I'm drawing a line in the sand.  I'm going to keep working my plan, even if my results aren't optimal yet. Health is the goal here--losing weight is the happy side effect.

Follow Up

It's not the most I've ever gained. Not quite two pounds, which I know will come back off again in time.

But I have to admit, it's a little disheartening. Not surprising--I knew this would be the result in the middle of the binge. But I still have that tendency to think of this in a linear way, and this feels like a step back. It messes with my "schedule." Really, though, I should not be thinking in those terms at all, so having it messed with is not a totally bad thing. Sometimes, I will overeat. But ONLY sometimes. Most of the time--the vast majority of the time--I will make healthy choices. And that will get me where I need to go, and keep me there.

Week 45

I did not weigh in this morning. I think this is the first Thursday I've missed. I can blame it on Lauren being on the Wii early this morning (she woke up super early), or on my getting breakfast before I remembered to weigh, but really, I just didn't want to.

I've had a couple binge days this week, and although I followed one with a loss the next day, I know I'm up this morning.  I'm trying to decide if I'll just let this whole week go and not weigh in until next Thursday, but I know that isn't a good idea. Eventually, I'll have to start weighing in less frequently, but right now especially, I need the accountability.

Tomorrow morning, before breakfast, I'll weigh in and record the damage, no matter how bad it is.

Doubt

I'm essentially back to the weight I was when I got married. It's also the same weight I was when I last got serious about my health last time (about seven years ago). So now I have this vaguely superstitious fear that I won't be able to get past this point. That I'll just up and quit. AGAIN. That I'll stop caring. That I'll go back to those old bad habits.

 I've had occasional binge days in the past, and for the most part, I've come to accept them and know that I can move past them. But now I have this horrible dread that I can't or won't get past the point of eatting myself into oblivion.

Oblivion sounds good right now--there's a lot of stress going on, and there's no sign of it letting up.  Last week, I was going to write a blog post called, "It Never Gets Better," but I decided that sounded too depressing and that I should have more of a zen-like "It's Always Something" attitude instead.
So what am I doing about it?  Right now, I feel like all I can do is keep a really tight rein on my eating. I don't think that's a really healthy attitude either, but at least it isn't unremitting binging. 

My Ring

Last year, I didn't wear my wedding ring, because it was too small. I can't even remember how long it had been since I'd worn it regularly. One of my big goals was to be able to wear it again. I finally could, but it took until summer for it to be comfortable, which was longer than I expected.

I frequently took it off when I went for walks, which was a good thing in August. If I'd been wearing it when I fell, I would have had to have it cut off.  It did take a few weeks for the swelling to go down enough to get it back on.

Yesterday, I took it off again. It's gotten so loose that I'm starting to worry about it falling off. It's not quite to that point yet, but it's definitely sliding around on my finger. I'm going to find out about a ring sizer, but until then, it stays in my jewelry box. I'm happy to have lost the weight, but my hand feels weird without it.

Week 44

Well, this is it--the deadline I set to get back to the weight I think I was at when I got married. So did I make it? 

I'm half a pound over.  That is success, as far as I'm concerned. I haven't tried my dress on recently--I've decided to wait until my actual anniversary for that, but I believe it'll zip easily.  Thanks for all the encouragement from everyone--it really does make a big difference!

For this week, I lost 1.18%.  Four week floating average is 1.42%.

It's time for a new goal.  I go back to see my doc in early February, and I'd really like to be in the "Overweight" BMI category by then.  That's 11 pounds and 8 weeks away. Normally, I'd be very confident about that time frame.  But Christmas will be here soon. It took a week to rebound from Thanksgiving, and that was just one day. I want to give myself a little wiggle room.

Also, I'm going to start slowly increasing my calories in January. When I eventually get to maintenance, I'll be eating more. I'd like to work to that slowly and kind of coast into it. 

I still haven't started the C25K yet.  I have a little more time today, so I'm hoping to figure out how to do the first level without the podcast or stopwatch or whatever. I don't want to have to count seconds in my head, but that's all I can think of so far.

Week 43

Down .17% this week.  Four week floating average of 1.12% down.

That's a reasonable loss, considering that I came off Thanksgiving week, and two large losses previous weeks. I'm satisfied.  I have 3.2 pounds left to get to my original goal by next week. That's not impossible, but it's highly unlikely, and I'm not going to worry about getting there in the next seven days.

I'd like to start the Couch to 5K program soon, but don't want to kick out the $75 for the community center this week (yes, that's what I'm choosing instead of Planet Fitness). I might download the podcast for my iPod and run around the gym for half an hour instead for the first week or two. I won't know exactly how far I've gone, but that's not something to worry about yet. I'm going to work more on getting to the point where I can run for more than 30 seconds at a time first.

After a fairly laid back week, things are ramping up again. I'm working today and tomorrow afternoon & evening, and Sarah has to be at church by 6:30 Saturday morning. That's also the day of the craft show and bell ringing for the Salvation Army. I've done very little prep for Christmas in terms of shopping, baking or sewing, and none of the decorations are up yet.

Happily, I've found a sucker friend that is willing to do the C25K program with me, so that will help with motivation. I will start by Monday at the absolute latest.